A New Project

Christmas
A time of love
Joy
Family.
It was a wonderful day
And I did love so very much to see the family
Tomorrow will bring even more family
The Alley's Boxing Day celebration is always a highlight
Work will suck
And I will have to get someone else
To buy my Boxing Day Globes for me
But I look forward to it.


Something else, though.
This is the start
Of something.
Just a couple of things.
Here they are.


So begins

A new age


And so begins
Project 365


http://projectwolf365.blogspot.com

Check it out


I'll do my best to maintain both blogs
This one to contain my thoughts and insanity


The other to commemorate this twentieth year.


Cold
Hot
Air
Balloon.

x


(P.S. iloveyou,toomuch.)

Nineteen

Go
Go
Go!

Make it good,
Make it count

I'm on the way

It began with love and birthday wishes

From those closest to me

Made me very happy

To return the love.


Project 365
BEGINS
TODAY.

Details later.
I haven't decided on a website to post them on.
Maybe this one
Maybe not.
I shall decide.
And it will be epic.

Off to a good start?

I
Think
So.

x

Bear in the Big Blue House

Today is my last day of being 18.
It's been a good year, and I wanted to finish it off with something cool,
But I'm working most of the day
And was disappointed that I wouldn't get the chance.
I was on my bed this morning when I heard rain outside
(it's meant to be really hot today)
So I ran out in my underwear and played in it for about 5 minutes.
Successful last day of 18?

I think so.

MLIA.

x

Hello Seattle

I remember this feeling.
Brings me back
To year 11.

I couldn't explain it then
Nor can I now.
It is not exactly comfortable
Yet not painful
But it tugs at my insides
Twisting them up something chronic.
It keeps me awake
Keeps me on edge.

I'm surprised it took me until today
To remember
That I'd known it before

It's strange
Because whilst the feeling may be known
The circumstances are not
And one would assume
That they would go hand in hand
As they did last time.
Apparently not,
Although there is one similarity.
A common factor
Which may or may not
Be distracting
Stealing
Draining
Destroying.

It should not
It is meant to be good
It should be good

Apparently my heartache missed that memo
And has set in for a battle
A screaming match
But who will lose their voice
Before the other?

"Beautiful.
Ugly.
Fuck you.
Fuck you."

This is not productive.
The day is crawling along.
An entire day of freaking out
Minus eight hours of sleeping
Is hardly desirable.
Suck it up
Suck it up.

Everybody wants to be a cat.

It is nearly my birthday
I am not excited.
I am worried.
Nothing is as it seems.
This whole year, in fact
Has been a labyrinth.

Just a few abnormalities
Seemingly unimportant
But strange nonetheless.
For example.
A winter roadtrip was surprisingly warm.
Summer mornings are freezing.
Nobody seems to be making the effort for Christmas.
My birthday is merely the chance to flip the P plates
And I'm tearing myself up over something I already have.

You know what?

Fuck
this.

x

Just So Predictable

[You're damn right we will.
We are the best ones.
That is all.]

Chapter One; it started like all the rest.
Chapter Two; it made me angry.
Chapter Three; an extended normality.
Chapter Four; things got interesting, there was contact, things were good.
Chapter Five; pear-shaped, anger, drunken attempts to feel better.
Chapter Six; plans made, hopes up, but it is only a temporary solution.

The rest is still unwritten.

I'm optimistic about it though
Without being totally dependent
On it working out.

So I think that's okay.
I think I'm okay.

I
Think
I
Am.

x

Everywhere

Why, oh why
The woodpecker cries

I don't know why he does
And I don't know what possessed me
To begin my post with such a line

I have just written a letter.
For the first time in awhile

Not even typed,
No
It is hand-written.

It amuses me how something as simple as a letter
Can be so entertaining
And exciting.

Especially when you're on the receiving end.
(That's what she said?)

I'm feeling strange, today.
Well, it started yesterday technically
Since it is now 1.22am

And it was caused by a comment
About one having their "share"
Of, well, in this case experiences

And all of a sudden
Thanks to those few innocent words
I felt incomplete
And inadequate.

It caused a re-evaluation of my being
Just a small one
But large enough to bring me down
To a state of dissatisfaction.

I feel left behind.
I feel inferior.
I feel like I've wasted
So much time.
So many chances.

What would it have been like
If I'd known before
What I know now

What would it have been like
If I'd met these people earlier in life

If I'd been born elsewhere.
If I'd been relocated.
If I'd made a past decision
That changed my future
Which is now my present.

Weird.

Oh, this song
Reminds me of GTA:III
And the Lexus
Oh man,
Those were the days.

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking
"Maybe six feet
Ain't so far down."

I know it is absolutely pointless
But I do sometimes wish
That I could go back.

And instead of sitting here
Wallowing in what was
I should be making the most of today
Am I?
Not really.
I seem to be failing
Even though I know
What I need to do.

Well,
That isn't exactly true.
I know the superordinate concept
I just need to work out
The subordinate details.

Therein lies the hard part.

Why waste my emotion?
It'll end up the same.

Down
To
One
Last
Breath.

x

Canines On The Run

I received news today
That the lovely people at Garden-Planters.com
Featured my blog on their site.

On the same token I would like to dedicate this post to them
And I very much appreciate it
Despite my blog not being garden related
Whatsoever.


<<< http://garden-planters.com/ Garden Fountains >>>

Thank
you
:)

x

Bob Dylan

It's one of the things I hate most.
Anyone who really knows me will know,
I cannot stand change.
I would far prefer everything to stay the same.
I don't want to readjust.
I don't want to relearn.
No, no, no.

The inconvenient thing about this,
Is that I don't really have a choice.
None of us do.
Unless we are Amish.
In which case there may not be so many changes.
Perhaps.
I don't really know.

Some people might argue and say
"If things don't change, things won't get better"
Well, why are they bad to begin with?
Because they changed, to become bad.
That is mostly what happens, or so I understand.

For some reason
Something this morning possessed me
To snoop through my old files
Old conversations
Old musings
Old thoughts.

I think it was when I found something on a Floppy disc
From grade 6
And it was Thursday 5/12/02
Which would be the equivalent of today
Being Thursday.
I was taken aback, almost.

It only continued from there
And got worse
But that was my own fault.


I'm locked in tight
I'm out of range
I used to care

But
Things
Have
Changed.

x

P.S. 100th.

30 Days Hath September

30 days also hath my age
Before it is left behind as another year
Of memories
Sucesses
Failures
Triumphs
Disappointments
Change.

I'm going to do a Daniel,
And make a list.
Not here though.
It's one I'll keep to myself.

I have thirty days
There are still some things I haven't done
Stupid, immature 18 year old things
That everybody does.
But that's okay.
I have thirty days
Until I get my green P's
Hello, legal passengers.
If we still had the Peugeot
I'd gather 7 people and drive them around
Just because I could.
Dammit.
Who has a people mover they'd like to lend me?

Hit
The
Road.

x

It's Been...

Well no.
It hasn't really been anything.
It is, instead.
It is, today, 5 weeks until my birthday
And 5 days until my "birthday"
Which I actually think is kinda cool.

Feeling lazy.
Inconvenient, since I signed up for a gym yesterday
I'm sure I won't keep that up for long.
We'll see, I guess.

It's unfortunate when things go so quickly.
Especially when you don't make the most of them.
It leaves you with a kind of wondering
What more could have been done?
Where would that have lead me?

But they are all quite pointless questions to ask,
Which is fine.
Leaves me room to think about other things.
However those other things seem pointless still,
Thoughts like
"I don't want to be old, Jordan
No one will like me!"
Who the hell thinks about that at 18?!

Hard to say.
Also,
I've decided I take movies and TV far too seriously.
NCIS
Skins
Twilight.
To name a few.
Sad, I know
BUT I WISH THEY WERE REAL.

I think
I should live in TV.
I would be better.
OH.
So much.
Although I'm not sure if you can even do that.
I should write to it.

"Dear TeeVee.
Can I live in you?
Pretty please?
♥ Wolfie."

I can see it now.
Regardless of my wish to live in TV,
I don't think it will happen.
Which is unfortunate!
Although, as it was pointed out
They'd play reruns of me
And people would get bored
And then I'd be demoted to late-night Foxtel.

I'm trying to think of a clever way to finish this.
I've pretty much said all I can say..
Without of course going into the events of the past days
Which have been mostly good
With only minor exceptions.
Again, I'm not being very specific.
Which defeats the purpose.
But I can't be.
I can't just blurt out whatever I want.
Well I could..
It is physically possible.
But potentially disastrous.

Moving on.
I actually have to finish this.

This is my life
Under
Pressure.

x

2 + 2 is .... 66?!

Well,
no.
In short, 2+2 is not 66.
Nor is it 44
But that is how long until my birthday
44 days.
Which isn't long, really.
It worries me just a little.
But it'll be fine, I'm sure.

So yesterday,
I finished my last exam.
Which was weird
Because my final year 12 exam last year
Was on the same day
Well..
The Monday following Cup Day
Not the actual date
But it was funny
And made me smile a little.

So tomorrow,
Rachel's parents are back.
There is a hole in their roof.
That's going to be a little awkward.
On the plus side,
MAV is fixed today.
Which is more than I can say for my car
As it is still whining rather loudly
And I'm sure it will continue to do so
Until I get it fixed.
Again.
I'm tired of it complaining.
I'm tired in general..

I shouldn't complain
It's hardly going to make people want to read this
Which I suppose is what I would like
Despite my prior posts suggesting otherwise
Same as my Twitter account I guess
But I should realise it isn't really going to happen
Which is to be expected

I think I'm rambling again
But I like it when that happens
I can just sit in this lull for awhile
Almost a 'flow'-like state
Stupid Csikszentmihalyi.
I swear I'll never forget that now.
ARI HASWARI.
UGH.

The next week is going to be fantastic.
I've got only my normal work hours
No uni
No exams
Nothing.
Nothing!
I do need to change the oil in the car though.
Again.
Excellent.

Oh,
Summer
Days.

x

One, Two, Three

I have to put this out there.
Even though Rachel,
You will probably be the only one to read it

BRITNEY'S NEW SONG
IS SO BLATANTLY
ABOUT THREESOMES
AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE
HOW
IS IT POSSIBLE
FOR SUCH A SONG
TO PLAY ON OUR AIRWAVES
STUPID SLUT OF A WOMAN.

That is all.
I think.

Is
That
All
There
Is?

x

Delta

Holy shit.
It is really quite scary to think
That a year ago today
I was about to start an exam
Further or biology
I can't remember.
Really?
No.
It can't be.
But it is.

I am honestly struggling with that concept just a little bit.
Twelve months later
And a lot has changed
More than I could have imagined
Had I thought about it last year
But I guess

These
Things
Happen.

x

Daria

On another note.
It's November.
What the actual fuck?
Exams...work...holidays.
That is all that remains of this year, effectively.
Pretty much all I can say is

So
long
everybody.
Toodleoo!

x

One Way

Or another
I'm gonna get ya.

You contradictory bastard.
How dare you
Guilt trip me with your feelings
Then kick me to the kerb.
No,
I don't want to come back
But I'm taking back what's mine.

Magma

Where to begin?
I was going to blog yesterday
But my iPod didn't like this text box.
Speaking of yesterday
It was great.
Much driving, nearly 500km.
Friends.
Family.
Ink.
Dip.
etc.

However
Today is not continuing that trend at all.
From the "So long everybody." "Toodleoo!"
At 6.40am
To the angry car which sounds like a VN
(which is bad...)
To the stupid freeway traffic
To the 9.15 arrival at work
It has been a let down.
Why?

Today is the fifth consecutive day I've had this headache.
Yes, the same one.
My throat is sore again.
My glands are swollen.
My neck and shoulders are aching.
Whilst MAV is presently gleaming
And well-behaved
My car looks like shit
And sounds like a VN
Charming.

Conveniently
I can afford another couple of lazy days
Before exams
Because.. put simply
I can't be fucked.
I need rest.
I need to recover.
So that is what I'll do.
I'm debating whether to treat myself to something
But I think I'll wait until after exams.
A new LCD for my stupid computer
Oh,
The N97
That will do nicely.
Until then.
Suck it up,
princess.

Take
what
you
take.

x

Beautiful Dawn

Okay so let me begin by saying,
I have been in a spectacular mood since yesterday.
I have my reasons,
And I'm quite happy to have them.
(on a similar note, I had toast this morning)
But I heard something just now that made me very nervous..
I'm sure it won't be,
But it has the potential to be detrimental.
And if it is,
That won't put me in a very good light.

I'm trying to think positively about it,
But it's calling into question what I'm going to do about the whole thing.
I already had some questions to answer last night
Which was not at all to my liking.
Having said that
I have a fairly simple solution
If the issue presents itself once again.
I have a car
I have money
I have alternative accommodation
I'll just leave.
I'm sure it won't come to that
But I'm happy to threaten
And act upon that threat.

"I don't know if it's right, I'm tossing and turning.."

I'm not a bad person.
People try to tell me how good I am on a very regular basis.
And this time
I'm starting to believe it.
But I don't think it will sink in
Unless
This works out

And
makes
me
happy.

x

P.S. I realise this would make very little sense to anyone who doesn't know what is going on.
Too bad, if that's you.

Hello, Toast

Don't ask why it's toast
There is a reason,
I guess.
Also I have to have toast tomorrow morning for breakfast.
Because I was told to.
And yes, I'm happy to oblige.

I have a good feeling about this.
But at the same time
I want to keep that good feeling
Which is the part that normally doesn't happen.
And I don't know if this is just to make myself feel better about it or not
But there are a few things that are different this time.
So I really do hope
That those differences will help.

Because at the moment
I am so happy for me.
And that is what is important.

That
is
what
I
love.

x

Are You Sleeping

I can't sleep, no
Not like I used to.
It lingers over me like a cloud.
Thick with inference and reason.
It surrounds me
Crawling from each corner
Of my mind
My space.
Invading.
Let
me
go.

x

E-male

Sure,
I love the internet.
But there are some things about it that piss me off no end.
To a lesser extent (thanks to avast! and Spybot)
Viruses, spyware, malware, adware...all the other shit
That tries to infiltrate my Dull with it's phony promises and fishy..other things.
Social networking;
I've made so many friends online
Through chatrooms, forums, etc..
And a number of them, I've met in person
And they are great people.
But there are a great number more
Who I have not
And probably will not
Ever meet.
And sometimes that is okay.
But most of the time
I wish I could.
And it is made even worse when some of these people decide to up and leave.
I could give a list.
But I won't.
It'll make it worse.

I wish I was clever,
But instead I'm sitting here in my underwear listening to Rhianna who I dislike very much.
I
Wish
I
Was
Clever.

x

Nathanson

What happened to the little paperclip in Word that used to tell you how to do things?
What happened to carefree childhood?
What happened to caring for yourself along with others?
What happened to family bonding?
What happened to routine school weeks?

What
happened
to
bulletproof
weeks?

x

WHY YOU SHOULD

In trying to begin my latest essay
I find myself asking,
Why do I blog?
The essay is about communications technology,
And after a very strange (and slightly out-loud) thought pattern
I decided to write about blogging.

Basically, the article I am reading talks about reality, and symbols.
It gives the example of a house.
Let me introduce you to Ben and Vanessa.
They are building a house at 123 Fake Street.
They are over at their friend James' house for coffee
James asks to see the house.
Ben pulls out a copy of the blueprints for the house.
Vanessa pulls out her camera to show off some photos of the construction
(and maybe the burly construction workers, if she or James feel so inclined)
Ben is giving a symbol 'for' reality, whilst Vanessa is giving a symbol 'of' reality.
The reason for this, I won't bother explaining.

Whilst contemplating this, I thought about how people construct their own realities.
I thought about how I construct mine.
One of the many ways, is through this blog.
It portrays my reality, at the time of a particular post.
I write in an effort to try to explain how I am feeling.
Despite the fact that barely anyone reads my blog,
I write so that others can and will see my reality.
I write, to be understood.

In effect, my blog is a symbol of my reality. I think I already said that.
(Clearly, today my reality is braindead-ness, but that is another story entirely)

Downsides to this reality I am portraying;
There are a few.
Firstly, most of the time I blog, I'm not in the best of moods
Hence, the majority of my posts will give a fairly dim picture of my reality,
Which isn't completely accurate.
Secondly, because of the insecure nature of the internet
This blog is easily accessible
(simply by typing my name into Google, it comes up as the first result)
As a result I feel compelled to exclude some aspects of my present reality
So as to avoid negative ramifications
In the case that someone were to read things they need not know.
I suppose, in a way
It's a bit of a sham.
But it's about as close as you'll get to my reality
Unless you actually know me.
And I suppose when it all comes down to it,
I'd rather know people than have them just read my blog.
What
are
friends
for.

x

Under Pressure

You know what.
Get the fuck outta my head.
Either that,
Or get back into my life.
Two choices.

I say this because
Every time,
I get a fleeting reference to your existence
I end up in the same place
Back to a time when we were better.
But now, I'm watching from afar..
I'm not in the middle of it, like I was almost two years ago.

I suppose,
I
have
to
let
it
go.

x

Boxing The Stars

Mum is on the phone talking about the creepy Volvo man across the road.
He's a bit of a weirdo.
Anyway.
Things are changing, already.
Little by little.
Yes.
This is a short post.
But I have class.
Suckfail.

x

Dark Blue

I'm fairly sure I just realised how boring the internet is.
I need to find better things to do..
Like, play The Sims.

I got up early to do a linguistics assignment which I'd completely forgotten about until Aidan reminded me of it last night.
Conveniently, it was super easy (for the most part) and I finished it pretty quick..
So then I thought
"Okay. I'll just randomly traipse the interwebs for awhile..."
But it is so boring.
Mainly because there is no one online to talk to.
And, it's just hit me.
That's all I really use the internet for.
I mean sure it's great for ... other stuff. Like, I dunno. Paying bills?
But I pretty much just use it to talk to people...
People who are currently sleeping or schooling. LAME.
Also I can probably leave soon, so I don't have to be bored much longer.

Lastly, I have another assignment due tomorrow, for education.
Although, I'm quite confident given how well I did on my last one.
Also Karen loves me and will give me a HD just because I am awesome.
(Ahem. I wish.)

OH NO. Not lastly.
Yesterday was 09/09/09
(And I just remembered how I blogged about 08/08/08 just over a year ago, I might re-read that just now)
I managed to get my Twitter count up to 999 updates!
I was so very proud.
Stace texted me at about midnight and was like YOU FAILED and I was like nah. I got it.
I was impressed.
999 at 2359.
Stupidly, I didn't think to screenshot it until 0016, but at least then it said "17 minutes ago"
So I could still tell of my awesomeness.

In other news
(wow, that really was not 'lastly', when I claimed it to be)
the car is counting it's kilometres once again.
Possibly with reluctance,
But if I cannot escape aging, nor can my car.
Aging? Ageing?
Apparently Firefox red-lines the second one.
I'll believe you, browser.

Time for cereal?
To
kick-
start
my
day.

x

N95i

i.
hate.
you.

Thief of Time

You know what clock, fuck you.
I'm soon going to need a new Countdown.

I never did read that book.

My words, they don't come out right

I do not need you to sit and nitpick at every single little thing I do.
Nor do I need you to rally support from the rest of them.
I don't need, or want, any one of you to tell me why you're think I'm wrong.
Take your opinion, and shove it.

Also.
Fuck off Bluetooth.
You do not work that way.
Go and bitch to someone else.

Jack and Sally

Where are you
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping in
So haunting every time.

iMiss my iPod.
I can has moar Zaakary?
I still have the keys.
And that one, too.
Akimaru and his ten-foot pole.
I know I can't do it all again.
And I hate it.

"I know it's wrong,
but I do it anyway
because it feels right."

Story
of
my
fucking
life.

x

Akimaru

There is some guy outside my room fixing our gas heater.
It's kinda noisy and distracting, but I suppose it's for the greater good, given we haven't been able to use said heater in a few days.
As a result....it's cold.
Also my stupid laptop bluetooth - which I thought I fixed - is no longer fixed.
What disappointment.
Keeping in theme with fixing, my car was fixed yesterday.
And moreover, we are still trying to fix the Upside Down-ness.
Who knows.
It may take awhile.
But it seems to be getting better.

I feel as though I should be doing something today
I mean, other than the classes which I will be going to later.
Perhaps, I should go and find out
And
Do
It.

x

P.S.
Aki. I miss you.

Temporal Distortion

I could cry.
I feel a little violated.
Also a little stupid.
I won't make the same mistake again, that is for sure.
I just cannot understand why these things keep happening to me.
I now don't have an iPod, a second phone or a functioning car.
Can anyone say FML?
I might post it on FML actually.

On another note.
TODAY
Is Vickie's birthday, as I previously stated.
I love her very much and I hope her day has been less theft-filled than mine.
I shall see her shortly,
And hopefully we will all have fun :] Stace too.

Lastly.
I love my mother.
I mean, clearly I always did.
But she is letting me use her car.

Thanks
Mum.
<3

x

"Crazy?!"

I do love to laugh,
I think people need to do it more often.
It makes you feel so good
Especially when you're with people who you've done so many hilarious things with,
You can just sit there and laugh at one thing after the other
Until somebody else comes along and thinks you are all insane
Which may be true, actually

I can see this post is turning into random babble
At which I am SO GOOD
But I should sleep.
Because tomorrow
might
be
good
for
something!

x


(P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VICKIE, WHO IS CLEARLY AWESOME.
I will dedicate a better post to you at a later point in the day when I am coherent!)

What Time's Been Stealing

I've had a couple of weird dreams lately
I mean sure, everyone does.
But these actually worried me.
Particularly the world-ending one.
I don't know if it was the whole world, or just a group...Battle Royale style.
All I knew was that I was going to die, along with a group of people...
One of which kept making out with me despite their prior engagements.
At some point in the dream I also had to fly over a train track.. with reasonable success
But it was awful.
The whole time I had this horrible sick feeling, I knew something bad was coming and there was nothing I could do about it.
Yet I didn't wake up, I just waited.
It wasn't frenzied or panicked, but there was frustration and anxiety.
The second dream was different.
I was at a relatives house.
But I stayed for a whole year..
Suddenly it was my 20th birthday.
I was really not happy about that.
I don't know.
It was just unsettling.
I don't want to be 20.
Hell, I didn't want to be 18.
But then again, that isn't so bad.
19, though...
Not that it will be different.
But it scares me.
One way
or
another.

x

The Dollar Is Down

So, tell me
What the fuck is wrong with the youth of today?
I get the impression that I can't leave my car outside my own house without it being attacked
Some months back it was broken into and my GPS was stolen
This morning I came out to find a swastika in green paint on the front of the car
Why?
Who the fuck knows!
And what can I do about it?
Not much, as it turns out.
I'm tempted to spend a night in the car and just wait til someone comes down the street and run them over.
It just astounds me that people are so fucking stupid.
In all honesty
I
hope
they
die.

x

Knock 'Em Out

NO.
I AM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS.
NO NO NO.
IT IS NOT RIGHT.
IT IS FAR WRONG.
IT IS NOT OKAY.
HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THIS IS OKAY?
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT ANY FUCKING MORE.

CROSS MY HEART.
HOPE
TO
FUCKING
DIE.

x

42 Wallaby Way

Stace and I are such tourists
But it is so much fun!
We are both seeing new thing, and even though we are not small children we both feel the need to act like them, which is entertaining for both us and our lovely host/tour guide.
Despite how amusing and exciting it is to be here I do miss being at home, for a number of reasons.
Mostly because of certain individuals, but also just actually being home, which I seem to be not doing lately.
And not just because of the roadtrip, I mean clearly I can't roadtrip AND be at home.
But before then too.
I'm not trying to neglect my family.
They seem to think I am.
It's just the way it's happened.

Today (at some stage...I don't know when because we are still waking up)
We are headed back to Wollongong.
Hopefully the car will continue to behave itself,
It's been doing pretty well except for the split heater hose.
I'll have to take it to the mechanics tomorrow, since today we probably won't get there til the evening.

About the whole silver plate thing.
I'm trying not to let it get to me, and it hasn't been on my mind that much.
But it surprised me.
And I don't know what I'll think if it happens again.
Fuck..
Stupid boy.
How dare he make me question what I've done.
It's been hard enough to accept it the first time.
Second thoughts are not what I had in mind.
Perhaps instead I can put him out of my head for awhile.

MZ
ANN
THROPIK.

Checkered Flag

I'm surprised that I won,
But I did.
I'm not writing this to brag, just that it was THE most fun thing I have EVER done and I felt it very necessary to write about it.

Picture this.
It's about 12.30am,
We are leaving Amy's.
Flick goes "I'll race you home.."
I'm like "Come off it, you've got a litre and 15 years on me."
"Come on! First to your place wins."
I smile.
We run.
Awaiting us; a few thousand kilos and twelve cylinders, totaling seven litres.
One: Nissan R31 Skyline; 3.0L straight-6. 117kw. 211,000 k's on the clock.
Two: Ford BA MkII Falcon; 4.0L straight-6. 182kw. 78,000 k's on the clock.
So I'm clearly not feeling confident at this point.
Somehow I got enough of a head start though.
I was well ahead after pulling out of Amy's street and taking the first roundabout on Mountain Highway.
At this stage I was still doing the speed limit, and it wasn't long before the Falcon was not far behind me.
I got to the first set of traffic lights first, and as Flick pulled up beside me I was convinced I would lose from this point on.
The lights went green and I floored it, taking off first and holding a lead for a short while until the Falcon flew effortlessly past me.
At this point Flick was doing somewhere around 130km/h and decided to slow down, so I caught up and we were neck and neck until the next set of lights where I stopped to turn right and she seemingly forgot and drifted straight through them.
I laughed. I had no idea which way she'd have to take.
I continued a little less enthusiastically up Bayswater Road and Canterbury, then cut through the back streets, up past Eastwood and onto Dublin Road before going down Patterson and down my street.
As I turned into my street I was half expecting the blue BA to be sitting outside my house celebrating it's victory.
But no, a completely empty street lay before me, I laughed once again and got the biggest grin ever on my face.
I got out of the car and smelled the burning, from the tyres and possibly something else.
Apologising to the car I went to grab my bag out, and it was then that Flick came round the corner, so in her defense she did pretty well given I went the right way and she did not.

My back tyres were quite warm, and the Falcon was smelling a little burnt as well so we both agreed to leave it a good while before we have a rematch.
Hopefully, next time I'll be able to take the soon-to-be-Mum's VX wagon, then we'll be a little more evenly matched...at least the cars will be from the same decade.

Best race ever.
I couldn't wipe the grin off my face all the way inside and down to my room.

Best
fucking
race.
EVER.

x

Malicious

I can smell coffee.
There is this pain right below my neck, in the centre of my spine.
This keyboard feels stiff under my fingers.
I'm a bit worried about the crim exam tomorrow, but I have plenty of time in the morning to pack in some last-minute revision.
Which is good!
But media is another story.. that one is less easy.
More hard, if you will.
But we shall cross that bridge when we get to it.
The last few days have been filled with too much work and not enough study.
And whilst work gives me money and study bores me,
I think study at this point is probably more important.
Although I am rather short on money right now.
Hopefully within 48 hours I will have been paid.
Conveniently.

What next?
Things are still beyond complicated.
But I'm trying to forget, just until Tuesday night. So again, about 48 hours.
Actually in exactly 48 hours it will be just after the end of NCIS, given it will be 21.34.
Tomorrow, though, I'm actually almost looking forward to.
It's just fear, after all.
I've had a bit of that lately, which is unfortunate.

ALSO PAIN.
My back is so bloody sore. And has been all week.
NOTE TO SELF: GO TO CHIRO.

Honey
and
Almond.
x

I Don't Dance

Nor can I play baseball really.
But that's okay!
So, talk about an eventful week.
Yeah, a lot has happened.
New experiences.
New feelings.
New fears.
New hopes.

I am afraid,
It's true.
I think I know why.
And I think I'm going to have to try pretty hard to get past the fear
And take it for what it's worth
And make the best of it.

It's different.
It's never been like this with anyone else.
And I'm hoping that means it will be better than it's ever been
Because mostly...
It's there
And then
It's not.
And that, sucks.
Although I think so far I'm quite sure that won't happen.

ANYWAY.
We
shall
see.
x

And At That Point There Was No Rain

His name is Steven.
I miss him terribly.
Every time he makes his way into my mind,
I hurt.
It's his 21st on Sunday.
I want to wish him the best.

That
is
all.

x

More Than A Feeling

This will be short.
For I am tired.
But my mind is rather thought-filled.
Feelings and emotions perhaps better left upon the shelf.
It's not all bad.
It makes me happy.

But I'm concerned that it will turn bad.
That it will pain somebody.
Who that somebody is, is yet undecided.

Bah.
That was shorter than I thought.
And didn't even get my point across.

NEVERMIND.
Seems to be a
waste
of
paint.

x

I Don't Care

For some reason this really pissed me off.
There is a dumb Facebook group that says 120 hours on L's is too many
There are a few things wrong with that.
Firstly, it's about the NSW laws.
I know for a fact that there are people from other states in the group.
Secondly. They can get their licenses at 17 up there.
QUIT YOUR WHINGING.
And to all those who are OLDER, and whinge about it.
ITS A VERY EASY TEST, IF YOU HAD TAKEN IT WHEN YOU WERE 16 YOU WOULD HAVE MISSED THE STUPID NEW LAWS.
Anyway.
The end.

You're Just A Line In A Song

I look into the mirror.
Who the hell is this guy?
I'm sitting here.
Thinking.

Sure,
There are some things that are given.
I'm a fag.
But I'm not one of those pink prancing guys.
Fuck that.
I'm a fag, but I kiss girls.

I'm more one of those try-hard kids
With the purple skinny jeans and the straightened blonde fringe
Tight t-shirt
But not always.

I'm one of those annoying P-platers.
The kind you hate driving near,
Because they always seem to be doing stupid things.
The kind everyone shakes their head at.

I can be obnoxious.
But I can be awesome.
I can be genius.
Or a complete moron.

So who knows.
I could be anything.
I could be anyone.

Because
that's
just
who
I
am
this
week.

The Viper

Never mind.
Something else did.

I Want You To Know

It used to get me every time
Now, barely a rise.

Cuts Away To The Crowd

Why is it
That the things we want the most
Are always so fucking far away.

Or maybe it's just me
Maybe I'm the idiot
Because it always seems to happen.

I try to say
I don't really care
But I lie.

Fuck
You
Very
Much.

x

Not Dreaming

I don't even know if this is readable.
But I thought it was funny. I just keep talking.
In my defence I was doing it on purpose. But still.
Sweet merciful crap, I never shut up.

****************************************************************
10:50:15I say:
work is so borinb
10:50:17I say:
g*
10:50:22I say:
i could sit here all day and say how boring it is
10:50:28I say:
for 8 and a half hours
10:50:34I say:
but today its only 8 because i actually get a break
10:50:35I say:
lucky me
10:50:44I say:
for the first time in possibly weeks
10:50:53Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
lol
10:50:54I say:
im NOT running the whole fucking store on my own for the entire day
10:51:01I say:
but im working with someone else who i dont even know
10:51:03I say:
so i dunnno
10:51:04I say:
shes new
10:51:08I say:
and i havent met her
10:51:11Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
then I shall sit here and listen to you tell me how boring it iz
10:51:15Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
:)
10:51:15I say:
which means i dont know if she'll even know how to do things
10:51:23I say:
because i was pretty crap when i started
10:51:30I say:
although i picked up on it really quickly
10:51:37I say:
hence why i can run the whole place for the day
10:51:40I say:
which isnt hard really
10:51:49I say:
especially like today when there aren't actually any customers
10:51:53I say:
i've served one single person today
10:52:00I say:
and he told me how his son died over christmas
10:52:03I say:
which was kinda horrible
10:52:06I say:
i felt really bad after that
10:52:07Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
:D
10:52:15I say:
imagine if you died over christmas. how shit would that be
10:52:27Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
yes
10:52:31I say:
but he was so
10:52:31Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
coz Id be dead
10:52:32I say:
i dunno
10:52:34I say:
optimistic
10:52:35Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
and I would care
10:52:35Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
lol
10:52:35I say:
about it
10:52:50I say:
not quite blaze (need an accent over that e)
10:52:53I say:
but almost
10:52:59I say:
im trying to see how long i can just write
10:53:04I say:
without running out of things to say
10:53:09Pride, Greed, Anger LustGlutton, Sloth, Envy o( says:
brb
10:53:10I say:
if i changed topics it would be easy
10:53:11I say:
okay
10:53:14I say:
i'l keep talking
10:53:17 - Pride, Greed, Anger:@ (K)Lust(L)(H)Glutton, Sloth, Envy o( appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in
10:53:19I say:
because i just want to be annoying
10:53:27I say:
alternatively i won't because you won't even get them. lol
10:53:42I say:
also tonight i need petrol, which is annoying because its very epensive
10:53:44I say:
expensive*
10:53:56I say:
partly because my stupid car is not incredibly economical as it is
10:54:17I say:
but also partly because i drive like a lunatic half the time
10:54:21I say:
so i go through a lot of petrol
10:54:54I say:
although this week has been okay
10:54:57I say:
well. not fantastic
10:54:59I say:
but alright,
10:55:34I say:
i've averaged about 15L/100km which is still high but not as high as usual i think. im not sure.
10:56:02I say:
but either way it gets me about 400km/tank. although maybe a bit more, i dont usually let it get too empty. so i dont know precisely. but eh.
10:56:15I say:
i'll work it out exactly once i fill it up and see how much was still left
10:56:26I say:
haha. its funny. i'm still talking and you aren't even here.

****************************************************************


What
An
Idiot.

x

It's All Over Now

There are so many beautiful people in the world
And I am quite proud to say I know several of them
But it does make me think
(Which I should not do, it leads to bad things)

What if
There are people out there
Who you could really benefit from, if you met them
Or they could benefit from you, either way
Like, emotionally
Not like. You'd give them money

But you might never know.
I mean, it's not really something you can dwell on
But it's an interesting thought

And moreover,
The same applies for 'soul mates'
If such things exist, I'm not sure
But if they did
Would we meet them?
How would we know?
Would there always be this doubt,
Or is it just a Gibbs-style gut feeling?

Although
In a complete display of contradictions
I would say that
If it's meant to be
It will happen somehow
And I'd like to think

We
Can
Believe
That.

x

Roundabout

I love this song.
Inconveniently, Josh reminded me of it
And it made me sad.
So here it is.

Boston - Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...

Where
no
one
knows
my
name.

x

It's Alright With Me

Yet again I'm at work all day
On my own
"So what, it's in a shopping centre."
Yeah.
People just swarm past
Except those who seem to want an iPhone
I've sold 3 today

And this one dude.
He just bought a Nokia charger
The stupid printer isn't working properly
So I took like..
An extra 20 seconds to give him a receipt
And he says
"Lucky you don't have 100 customers"
Motherfuck,
Because it's MY fault
That the printer doesn't work
And that I'm here on my own all day

Zak was here with Emilie
But they left with some other dude
And I feel really alone right now
Just the likes of Eric Hutchison to keep me company
Thanks, Nokia Music.
PS. You suck.

I'm hungry.
My nose hurts.
I do not want to be here.
Perhaps I could boycott work.
And leave 140 minutes early.
But they may not like that.

Sunday's seem to annoy me, in general.
Mostly I think it's because I'm at work.
But I remember in year 11 having this problem with Friday's
I don't think it's the same thing though
Clearly since it's a different day.
But Phil's day was Sunday.
So it would be logical.

"That was not lovely."




I did have fun last night.
I did have another raging river of syrup last night.
I did not get a Colossal Sundae.
I did not regret not buying it.

But
I
Do
Have
Regrets.

x

Lest I forget

I'm afraid to forget.
Tonight, through a random string of events
I've managed to have a mental run-through of the last 3 odd years of my life.

And so as to remember... I might have to write them down.
These are going to be dot points I think, so as to avoid me writing for many weeks.
They are also going to be all over the place. My brain is not chronological today.

*Stace, the Hot 30 and NCIS
*Probie and McGee...different people?
*Steph
*Chris
*The fights, with so many people
*The weight-loss
*MEDIA, Kate and Vickie
*The 400D
*"I love school!"
*Mirko
*Phil
*The outing
*Nearly failing methods
*English Language
*TheGYC
*Simon
*Matt; US
*Matt; UK
*John
*Steven
*Steven and Ducky
*Baby Simon the bat
*The Valentine
*The V600
*The E65
*Biology
*The end of media
*NOODLES NOODLES NOODLES
*Aaron; the cheerleader
*The Mercedes
*The window
*Izzo/In The End
*Love Of Static Sound ; TopScreen 2007
*Øyvind
*Max
*Will
*Jake
*Adam
*SHANE, dammit I'd forgotten his name (SEE! forgetting already)
*Luke and Tom
*Josh and Jeff and Callum
*Adam
*Zaak
*The Cherry Cheesecake
*Boston – Augustana
*The roundabout
*The dream
*Flick had one too
*THE WARM 30!
*Knox, Timezone
*The hours of talking
*Production; Anything Goes
*If to come home you fail, I’ll open ALL YOUR MAIL
*MySpace
*Eugene! The photo
*Youth Group
*Falling asleep under the pool table
*Jemima
*The Church Fete, Brenton and Daniel, Bec
*The Factory
*The hernia
*The subsequent hernias
*Kate’s Funeral: November 22nd 2006, the last exam, Science. Mum was in QLD, also Steph broke up with me
*The scrapbook we did for Amy that year
*The formal in year 10, the awkwardness and the lovely dress
*Jenny’s a Jenny..Jenny
*Coming back from Phillip Island (Jamie and Lee Ann’s) listening to It’s Just Porn Mom on Stacey’s iPod mini
*The METEC day in year 10
*The VY Equipe
*Anthony Callea being really small on Stacey’s broken TV
*The time a bird flew into my window right after Stace told me to close it
*Delta Goodrem’s Together We Are One (from the…Olympics maybe) the remix with the audience in it. Was awesome
*Andrea Bocelli
*Midtown Madness
*John Hill
*Getting lost in North Ringwood
*Martin
*Face in space
* “Trouble”
*Me and Marc in Amy’s pool, attempting backflips
*Messy night at Youth
*Darkzone
*All night Darkzone with Owen
*Devin
*Destri
*POP TARTS
*IKEA pencils in methods exam
*Swedish Flag Face
*Zak
*Al-dori
*Ned
*Shannon
*Richard
*Emilie
*Chiropractor
*Eric
*Kimberley
*Tok Pisin
*Juggling
*Joel
*Christian
*CISCO
*Robin’s not-work
*We never got our Darkzone from the 2007 competition
*August 5, Saturday (maybe 15th) 2007 at Box Hill
*The bad-mood-scarf
*Amy’s that night after Youth Group
*2am matches-run to the Shell
*The drive home
*The freezing cold cans of Coke
*Flick sneaking out
*Half an hour of pay
*Movies
*Never turning out the way I wanted


And you know what,
That is enough.
I think..
I've got all I need.
Keep it safe.

It's
my
life.

x

It's like it's all we have

Media seems to be empty today
Maybe everyone's just sick of it
I have to agree with them though
Our back-row Brat Pack is the only thing that keeps me here for two hours each week.

It's been busy lately. But not in a noticeable way.
It's more that when I look back, I realise I haven't been home much in the past week or so.
I haven't seen Xanthe since Tuesday night...

I was thinking about a couple of people last night,
Who I haven't seen in awhile.
I don't want to lose them
And it's making me worried that I will
Also just now I thought about Zaak
And how his hair is no longer awesome
And how he no longer talks to me

Basically it's just different
Which isn't fun.
I've never liked different
And that's one thing that hasn't changed.

Holy pizzaness,
Famnig hjärta.
Hahaha.
See, whilst I'm losing contact with some
I'm managing to strengthen ties with others

So it's not all bad.

Hopefully it will stay that way
And not take a turn for the worse.

I think I'm running out of brain, yet again.

"I
must
be
emo."

x

So you wanna talk about it for awhile

Purple skinnies
Black hoody
Black scarf
Hair looks good

Ohyeah.
I'm a picture
of
awesomeness.

x

"Does it write Haiku's?"

No.
But I do.
Which is unfortunate, they aren't very good.
But I'll post them.
This was the product of an hour of weird third-year maths lecture that I didn't understand.

Is it worth the time
To chase the ones we care for
One day we will know.
**
So grey, so boring
More powerful than it looks
My heavy old Dull.
**
Why am I writing
My creativity fails
Haiku’s, not for me?
**
Maths is rather hard
No wonder people drop it
Algebra does suck.
**
The life of a wolf
Would be so fitting for me
The life I should have?



I wrote a bit more.
But I won't post it.

x

Donnie

So. Lately.
Well uni has finished for all of one week, and I'm currently on my second day of official holidays.
It feels good.
Except.. I'm at work.
Having said that, I wouldn't really be doing anything else if I was at home
So I suppose being paid to stand here and blog isn't so bad after all
Anyway. Since I don't blog often enough I should give a quick (haha..) account of what's been going on.
And since my head seems to be on backwards, I'll start with last night and work my way upwards..
Or perhaps yesterday morning instead.

I got up at 7.45, left the house at 8
Was at Rachel's at 8.15 (exactly on time, I might add)
We left pretty much straight away, drove to Hoppers Crossing
We were in a very large and very enthusiastic church service, I really enjoyed it
Afterwards we went back to Rachel's parents house and started working on our education assignment
*I interrupt this broadcast to say that a customer just came and asked me why Optus uses non-Australian animals in ALL their ads....it made me think..*
ALSO I sat in Rachel's POÄNG!
So we got a fair amount of work done which was good,
What else.
Ohyeah, I met her parents, I like them
So we went back to her cousins' house where she lives during the week, in Nunawading where I met her that morning
Had dinner, om nom nom
Also Crunchie ice-creams (Y)
So, about 9pm after being with Rach for nearly 13 hours, I went home
Epic.freaking.day.
And get this, the day before I saw her at like 11pm, so it was only 9 hours between our..sightings of each other. :O
Also on the way home there was some fucker P-plater in a VT behind me, and I mean so close I'm surprised he wasn't in my back seat..I wanted him to hit me, just because I have a towbar so my car would be fine
To begin with I sped up a bit but I was like wait...no....get stuffed.. so I slowed down just a bit, and a bit more...and some more
Sitting at the lights on the corner of Mt Dandenong Road he was right behind me, and when they turned green I floored it and was like "TOODLEOOO!!!"
But stupid me, I didn't factor in that he has 0.8L more than me, and whilst I was quicker than him to begin with he caught up pretty quick and then sporadically changed lanes and floated past me, pulling back in front of me and drifting across lanes like a stupid tool.
For whatever reason I got fairly pissed off at this, and proceeded to chase him and tailgate him like he did to me.
Anyway, he is a tool, and whilst I don't know who he is, I hope he runs into a tree.

Okay so, Thursday.
Uni was alright, but media was way boring. In the lecture I had to read something out.. lucky I had my glasses and could actually see.
We watched some documentary thing which insinuated (rather directly) that teenagers always talk about sex, always think about sex, and are always having sex..
Krislyn and I were like "...really?!"
Anyway.
In general the day was ok,
Then after we finished we went to Doncaster, Rob and Rachel and I
And we saw 17 Again, with Krislyn and Patrice too
It was good! I was a bit ehhh about seeing Zac Efron but nah, it was a good movie
Pretty hilarious.
Anyway I had a nice long drive home via Seaford, because I didn't want Rob to be on a bus for like 2 hours, at that time of night.
Also he stole my bunny! Accidentally.

Wednesday I had work and it was boring.
But Rachel came to say hi and that was not boring!

Tuesday was also uni, and that was quite lovely EXCEPT..my car decided to not start in the morning. Like I got in and turned the key and its like "what?"
And it didn't do anything, like the dash lights came on and everything but the starter motor did nothing, like didn't even click.
After about 4 key-turns I was like okay...I'll call Emma and say that I might be late.
So I rang her, she answered and the stupid car started.

Ahhh,
there is probably work to be done somewhere.
I should go find it.

On a final note.

"I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match
What a catch,

what
a
catch."

x