Eclipse

How do you let something go?
Well, duh, it's easy.
You just let it go.
But what does that even mean?
Do I have to completely detach myself from the situation,
Not speak of it again,
Forget it happened,
Or pretend it never did?


Was it that important?
No.
Is it really anything new?
Not so much.
So what's the damn problem?
It goes like this.


For quite awhile now there has been just one thing missing,
Something I can obviously live without but would prefer not to.
At the start of the year I did actually have it, for a couple of months.
Since I've been without,
I've been looking for ways of bringing it back again.
This in turn has created a few problems,
Most notably the one wherein I latch onto anybody who will let me,
Very quickly,
And then get irrationally disappointed when it ends abruptly.
"There's a common theme here.."
Well, yeah,
I keep screwing it up.


Last night, thanks to Aidan + epiphany, I realised this:
I have the 'What', but not the 'Who'.
Huh?
Okay.
I know what it is I want, I just don't know exactly who I want it with.
Given my issues with finding the 'Who',
I've pretty much started applying my 'What' to whoever I can.
Along with this, obviously,
Comes the fact that the 'What' may only last a very short time.
It happened back in May,
I had exactly what I wanted for a whole weekend.
When alcohol is added, there is sometimes the option to have 'it' for up to a number of hours, which I think is what I was possibly aiming for in my intoxicated misadventure on Friday night.
Technically, I did, for a very very short time, get what I wanted.
Logically then, I don't want much, and it's pretty simple to placate me.
I was happy.
It was perfect.
For about twenty seconds.
Okay, so that was only one part of it.
I won't lie.. there was quite a period of time
(I wouldn't have a clue how long it really was)
In which I was perfectly happy, comfortable and content.
So, I suppose in a way
I did win.
Just not quite as much as I would have liked.
Also, in doing so, I neglected my original plan
(Which, by the way, was more for fun than to any goal)
So I lost the chance to amuse myself further with that also.
All in all, I took it for more than it was worth and ended up the loser.


It's happened all too many times,
And I'm finally realising why.
Yes, I'm bringing it upon myself.
No, it's not really intentional.
Yes, I can avoid it.
No, I probably won't end up doing so unless I stop drinking altogether.
(And no, I don't think I'll be doing that.)


"Forever's gonna start tonight."
No,
Forever already started.


I'm
just
missing
it.


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