EF

Whilst I'm aware it is after midnight
And therefore technically Friday
I'm still counting it as the end of the 13th.


It shocks me to think it has been a whole year.
It's been one hell of a year
And I mean that rather literally.


Ups
Downs
Highs
Lows
Smashes
Crashes
Mad dashes 
Across the countryside. 
Some things have changed
Some have not.
Some things have moved
Whilst others have remained.


I don't know whether I'm any better for it
But it's done and dusted
There's nothing I can do about it now
But move ahead.


Something that has done quite a lot
Of ahead-moving
Is my dearest Fairmont.
I know..
I crap on about it all the time..
But I think it's important.


My latest conclusion RE: the Fairmont
Is that he is acting as a substitute boyfriend.
Evidence:
I spend a lot of time inside him
(Sorry..couldn't resist.) 
I spend a lot of money on him
And I wake up each day
Happy to know I'll be spending time with him.
Sure,
Maybe I'm insane. 
But after nearly 4 months
He's caused me very little trouble
And we still fit together very well.
He doesn't argue with me.
He (usually) does what I want.
If he wants something
He tells me.
It's approaching the realms of a perfect relationship.


However.
Whilst I love my car dearly
There is obviously nothing
That replaces actual human contact.
And that is clearly the area
In which I am struggling
And lacking.
I need affection.
I need more of it.
I need it from someone I can return it to.
So underneath my veil of car-love
I'm still the same.


Single.
Desperate.
Silly. 


x

Are We Listening

I love to say
"I told you so,"
But it doesn't do anyone any good
So I refrain.
In fact
I am just waiting for someone to say it right back to me.


My Season 4 DVD's are missing from their place.


I wonder today
Who else is thinking
About a day that happened not so long ago
For me it meant little
My day comes next Thursday.
Happily I can say
I no longer dwell
But stupidly I keep
Small reminders around


Bits of paper.


"$40.87
17/01/10 21:34"


"Coles Express
Bexley 2207
Shell Autogas Pump 02 23.44L 59.9c/L $14.04
Unleaded Pump 06 41.63L 124.9c/L $51.99
18/01/10 21:45"


You get the point.
There are more but they are hidden.
And I am the stupid one who cannot let them go.
No longer can I say "fuck you"
Because I'm the only one who still cares.


I need to stop complaining
I need to stop seeking attention
I need to stop thinking that they notice
I need to stop trying to be good enough for them


After all,
It doesn't really matter.


We
make,
We
break.


x

oneoneoneone.

Just a couple of things that made me laugh today. 

One of my favourite things about showering

Is that my arms look really nice and tanned

Compared with the rest of me

Which incidentally is rather white.

Also in the shower

For some reason

I was thinking about how a few years ago

I would picture myself married to certain friends

And wonder if it would ever work.

I remember thinking of Stacey

And it was something like

"Yeah..Stacey.

We could be married.

We both like lasagne.

At least we could eat the same foods."

Yup.

I'm that cool.

Happy

New

Year.

x

Cell

I really miss my E65!
The poor thing ended up in a river after being entrusted to a certain deb partner.
I somehow ended up on eBay after getting to a satisfactory point in my essay
I think it was after looking at something on Hunch
And looked at E65s, N73s, V600s and even a 6220.
Now, I feel the need to tell the story of these devices...for whatever reason.

The 6220 came first, in about 2006 after 2 years in Dad's possession
It was without a doubt the most reliable phone I have ever owned.
As for it's predecessors, the 3210 had button issues and the 3330 would switch itself off.
One day, it decided it no longer wanted to accept any SIM cards.
It still charges, turns on, and ... well, that's about it.
But it would work perfectly if not for the small matter of snobbing all operators.
Next was the V600, in February 2007
Which I thought was a good idea at the time.
It flipped, and had Bluetooth
And therefore was cooler than the 6220.
It had been in Vickie's possession for almost three years
So was as old as the 6220 and much more worn.
Still, I survived with it until July 07 when I got the E65
Red, all shiny and new
The first and only new phone I've ever had.
I loved it to pieces
For about two weeks.
I realised soon that I instead wanted the N73
An older but more photographically capable model
And continued to hate on my E65 whilst it got more and more broken.
But after being fixed twice it stopped rejecting my SIM card
And clearly, a year or more after losing it, I find myself missing it
So it must have done something right.
A black V620 popped up somewhere around then, while the E65 was in surgery.
It didn't charge, so I needed the V600 - which Xanthe had at the time
To charge batteries for me
This was around the end of school in 2008
And Alix's Mum Robyn was kind enough to give me her old V3x
Which I kept for awhile, until (I think)
I got an N73
Finally, 18 months after deciding I wanted one
I had it.
I think at this point I had the E65 back
But it took a back seat as the new toy came with me to Brisbane
And took some really nice pictures, too.
Sometime in March of 09 I left the N73 at a parents friends house
The E65 must have been with Lauren by then, because I found myself back with the V620.
I snagged a lonely 6210 Navigator from work
Which I had for awhile before eventually getting the N73 back.
After awhile I bought the store demo Navigator.
At some point I got a Virgin SIM card
So as to be able to text Vickie for free
And this resided in the N73 for awhile
Then the V620
Then an S700, also work-sourced, not available in Australia.
The latter was eventually stolen from my car
And the Virgin SIM was in an "I-turn-off-every-ten-minutes" 6131
And later an N95 8GB, again, from work.
The N73 went to Shannon who later lost it
So I continued with the N95i and the Navigator
Until October when I bought the demo N97.
Probably the most annoying phone I've ever owned,
The N97 sits beside me on this desk today
As it shall until I get an iPhone.
The N95i is now with Zach
And I managed to get the lonely Navigator from work to give to Xanthe
Who's U700 was having issues...as they do.
The V600 and V620 also sit on my desk, but unused, and with each other for company.
The V3x is now with Stacey's parents, as it replaced Emily's archaic 5110.
The 3210 is still in Zach's room, and the 3330 was bought by Robin some years ago
And ended up going through the wash.


Most of all I miss the E65.
It was slim. It was fancy.
It had Wi-Fi and conference calling.
It slid solidly with such a reassuring 'click'
Much to the amusement of a certain Zaakary.
It provided me with hours of MSN entertainment
In the days before I could afford mobile data.
It showed me that MP3 ringtones were awesome
Unlike the V600 which took so long to load the tone that I'd answered the call already
And it let me do cool things like Bluetooth my English essays to Miss Hall's laptop. 
Yeah, it's tragic.
But I miss the damn thing.
Thanks, for the trip
down
memory
lane.


x

Toodleoo

Oh

One more thing

I've changed my mind.
I'm happy.

I like it.

Finally.

Thankyou.

x

Semi

Circle?
No.

I didn't even remember until today, actually.
I thought about it awhile back.
Techncially it's today though.
Since today is Friday.

Although I didn't service my car yesterday.
And I'm not going "camping" next week.
And I'm not starting work in 53 minutes.


Would I go back?
I think I would.
Clearly, can't.
One day I'll change my mind.
Bring on the alcohol.


Soy
un
perdedor.


x

Downgrade

Never before have I wished to swap my car

For something with less cylinders.

However,

This past week

I think it may have actually been a good idea.

Strictly for fuel economy reasons.

Normally I go through a tank of fuel each week

Which gets me about 450km and costs around $55-60.

But this week?

Oh no.

Let's start with some figures.

118.40

848

103.59

12.22.

Again?

Okay.

I drove 848km this week.

I used 103.59L of fuel.

I spent $118.40 on this fuel.

I got an economy figure of 12.22L/100km.

Which is pretty reasonable

Given my 20 year old car

Heavy right foot

And 3.0L 6 cylinder engine.

But still,

It was a very very costly week.

Coupled with the fact I have no job

It was quite painful trying to gather the cash.

Admittedly,

Mum and Dad gave me $20 for petrol

Because I had to drive to and from Corinella.

However even without that

It's almost $100

Almost double my weekly spend.

Again.

This is very much hurting the bank balance.

On another note

We hit 228,000 the other day.

By 'we', I actually mean the car.

But it means we've travelled just over 20,000km together.

Which is kind of special.

The oddest part

For me at least

Is that I did nearly 10,000 of those kilometres

In the last 6 months.

One might think that's pretty normal

Given the apparent average of 20,000km per year

But mine last year was between 10,000-15,000

So it's quite an increase.

It also means a service is due again soon.

Although this time

The days that follow may not be so exciting

Probably not as confusing either

But probably not as fun.

Yeah

It's been almost six months.

Give it a few weeks

Who knows

Maybe then

it

will

all

be

over.

x

Omega

Two months ago
It was Tuesday
The 19th
And we were in Sydney.

Imprinted.

x

Psycho Killer

I shouldn't care
What's past is past
So why the fuck does it make me feel so
Angry
Jealous

It's not like I have anything to be jealous about
But on the same token
It's always been like this
Many long months
Of
"Good for you"
While wishing it was me
Clearly another indication that I waited too long
And maybe I should have listened to my heart earlier
Not that it matters now
What's done is done

Need I get over it?

Most
Probably.

x

Hello Seattle

I remember this feeling.
Brings me back
To year 11.

I couldn't explain it then
Nor can I now.
It is not exactly comfortable
Yet not painful
But it tugs at my insides
Twisting them up something chronic.
It keeps me awake
Keeps me on edge.

I'm surprised it took me until today
To remember
That I'd known it before

It's strange
Because whilst the feeling may be known
The circumstances are not
And one would assume
That they would go hand in hand
As they did last time.
Apparently not,
Although there is one similarity.
A common factor
Which may or may not
Be distracting
Stealing
Draining
Destroying.

It should not
It is meant to be good
It should be good

Apparently my heartache missed that memo
And has set in for a battle
A screaming match
But who will lose their voice
Before the other?

"Beautiful.
Ugly.
Fuck you.
Fuck you."

This is not productive.
The day is crawling along.
An entire day of freaking out
Minus eight hours of sleeping
Is hardly desirable.
Suck it up
Suck it up.

Everybody wants to be a cat.

It is nearly my birthday
I am not excited.
I am worried.
Nothing is as it seems.
This whole year, in fact
Has been a labyrinth.

Just a few abnormalities
Seemingly unimportant
But strange nonetheless.
For example.
A winter roadtrip was surprisingly warm.
Summer mornings are freezing.
Nobody seems to be making the effort for Christmas.
My birthday is merely the chance to flip the P plates
And I'm tearing myself up over something I already have.

You know what?

Fuck
this.

x

Everywhere

Why, oh why
The woodpecker cries

I don't know why he does
And I don't know what possessed me
To begin my post with such a line

I have just written a letter.
For the first time in awhile

Not even typed,
No
It is hand-written.

It amuses me how something as simple as a letter
Can be so entertaining
And exciting.

Especially when you're on the receiving end.
(That's what she said?)

I'm feeling strange, today.
Well, it started yesterday technically
Since it is now 1.22am

And it was caused by a comment
About one having their "share"
Of, well, in this case experiences

And all of a sudden
Thanks to those few innocent words
I felt incomplete
And inadequate.

It caused a re-evaluation of my being
Just a small one
But large enough to bring me down
To a state of dissatisfaction.

I feel left behind.
I feel inferior.
I feel like I've wasted
So much time.
So many chances.

What would it have been like
If I'd known before
What I know now

What would it have been like
If I'd met these people earlier in life

If I'd been born elsewhere.
If I'd been relocated.
If I'd made a past decision
That changed my future
Which is now my present.

Weird.

Oh, this song
Reminds me of GTA:III
And the Lexus
Oh man,
Those were the days.

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking
"Maybe six feet
Ain't so far down."

I know it is absolutely pointless
But I do sometimes wish
That I could go back.

And instead of sitting here
Wallowing in what was
I should be making the most of today
Am I?
Not really.
I seem to be failing
Even though I know
What I need to do.

Well,
That isn't exactly true.
I know the superordinate concept
I just need to work out
The subordinate details.

Therein lies the hard part.

Why waste my emotion?
It'll end up the same.

Down
To
One
Last
Breath.

x

Bob Dylan

It's one of the things I hate most.
Anyone who really knows me will know,
I cannot stand change.
I would far prefer everything to stay the same.
I don't want to readjust.
I don't want to relearn.
No, no, no.

The inconvenient thing about this,
Is that I don't really have a choice.
None of us do.
Unless we are Amish.
In which case there may not be so many changes.
Perhaps.
I don't really know.

Some people might argue and say
"If things don't change, things won't get better"
Well, why are they bad to begin with?
Because they changed, to become bad.
That is mostly what happens, or so I understand.

For some reason
Something this morning possessed me
To snoop through my old files
Old conversations
Old musings
Old thoughts.

I think it was when I found something on a Floppy disc
From grade 6
And it was Thursday 5/12/02
Which would be the equivalent of today
Being Thursday.
I was taken aback, almost.

It only continued from there
And got worse
But that was my own fault.


I'm locked in tight
I'm out of range
I used to care

But
Things
Have
Changed.

x

P.S. 100th.

30 Days Hath September

30 days also hath my age
Before it is left behind as another year
Of memories
Sucesses
Failures
Triumphs
Disappointments
Change.

I'm going to do a Daniel,
And make a list.
Not here though.
It's one I'll keep to myself.

I have thirty days
There are still some things I haven't done
Stupid, immature 18 year old things
That everybody does.
But that's okay.
I have thirty days
Until I get my green P's
Hello, legal passengers.
If we still had the Peugeot
I'd gather 7 people and drive them around
Just because I could.
Dammit.
Who has a people mover they'd like to lend me?

Hit
The
Road.

x

Delta

Holy shit.
It is really quite scary to think
That a year ago today
I was about to start an exam
Further or biology
I can't remember.
Really?
No.
It can't be.
But it is.

I am honestly struggling with that concept just a little bit.
Twelve months later
And a lot has changed
More than I could have imagined
Had I thought about it last year
But I guess

These
Things
Happen.

x

Nathanson

What happened to the little paperclip in Word that used to tell you how to do things?
What happened to carefree childhood?
What happened to caring for yourself along with others?
What happened to family bonding?
What happened to routine school weeks?

What
happened
to
bulletproof
weeks?

x

Jack and Sally

Where are you
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping in
So haunting every time.

iMiss my iPod.
I can has moar Zaakary?
I still have the keys.
And that one, too.
Akimaru and his ten-foot pole.
I know I can't do it all again.
And I hate it.

"I know it's wrong,
but I do it anyway
because it feels right."

Story
of
my
fucking
life.

x

It's Alright With Me

Yet again I'm at work all day
On my own
"So what, it's in a shopping centre."
Yeah.
People just swarm past
Except those who seem to want an iPhone
I've sold 3 today

And this one dude.
He just bought a Nokia charger
The stupid printer isn't working properly
So I took like..
An extra 20 seconds to give him a receipt
And he says
"Lucky you don't have 100 customers"
Motherfuck,
Because it's MY fault
That the printer doesn't work
And that I'm here on my own all day

Zak was here with Emilie
But they left with some other dude
And I feel really alone right now
Just the likes of Eric Hutchison to keep me company
Thanks, Nokia Music.
PS. You suck.

I'm hungry.
My nose hurts.
I do not want to be here.
Perhaps I could boycott work.
And leave 140 minutes early.
But they may not like that.

Sunday's seem to annoy me, in general.
Mostly I think it's because I'm at work.
But I remember in year 11 having this problem with Friday's
I don't think it's the same thing though
Clearly since it's a different day.
But Phil's day was Sunday.
So it would be logical.

"That was not lovely."




I did have fun last night.
I did have another raging river of syrup last night.
I did not get a Colossal Sundae.
I did not regret not buying it.

But
I
Do
Have
Regrets.

x

Lest I forget

I'm afraid to forget.
Tonight, through a random string of events
I've managed to have a mental run-through of the last 3 odd years of my life.

And so as to remember... I might have to write them down.
These are going to be dot points I think, so as to avoid me writing for many weeks.
They are also going to be all over the place. My brain is not chronological today.

*Stace, the Hot 30 and NCIS
*Probie and McGee...different people?
*Steph
*Chris
*The fights, with so many people
*The weight-loss
*MEDIA, Kate and Vickie
*The 400D
*"I love school!"
*Mirko
*Phil
*The outing
*Nearly failing methods
*English Language
*TheGYC
*Simon
*Matt; US
*Matt; UK
*John
*Steven
*Steven and Ducky
*Baby Simon the bat
*The Valentine
*The V600
*The E65
*Biology
*The end of media
*NOODLES NOODLES NOODLES
*Aaron; the cheerleader
*The Mercedes
*The window
*Izzo/In The End
*Love Of Static Sound ; TopScreen 2007
*Øyvind
*Max
*Will
*Jake
*Adam
*SHANE, dammit I'd forgotten his name (SEE! forgetting already)
*Luke and Tom
*Josh and Jeff and Callum
*Adam
*Zaak
*The Cherry Cheesecake
*Boston – Augustana
*The roundabout
*The dream
*Flick had one too
*THE WARM 30!
*Knox, Timezone
*The hours of talking
*Production; Anything Goes
*If to come home you fail, I’ll open ALL YOUR MAIL
*MySpace
*Eugene! The photo
*Youth Group
*Falling asleep under the pool table
*Jemima
*The Church Fete, Brenton and Daniel, Bec
*The Factory
*The hernia
*The subsequent hernias
*Kate’s Funeral: November 22nd 2006, the last exam, Science. Mum was in QLD, also Steph broke up with me
*The scrapbook we did for Amy that year
*The formal in year 10, the awkwardness and the lovely dress
*Jenny’s a Jenny..Jenny
*Coming back from Phillip Island (Jamie and Lee Ann’s) listening to It’s Just Porn Mom on Stacey’s iPod mini
*The METEC day in year 10
*The VY Equipe
*Anthony Callea being really small on Stacey’s broken TV
*The time a bird flew into my window right after Stace told me to close it
*Delta Goodrem’s Together We Are One (from the…Olympics maybe) the remix with the audience in it. Was awesome
*Andrea Bocelli
*Midtown Madness
*John Hill
*Getting lost in North Ringwood
*Martin
*Face in space
* “Trouble”
*Me and Marc in Amy’s pool, attempting backflips
*Messy night at Youth
*Darkzone
*All night Darkzone with Owen
*Devin
*Destri
*POP TARTS
*IKEA pencils in methods exam
*Swedish Flag Face
*Zak
*Al-dori
*Ned
*Shannon
*Richard
*Emilie
*Chiropractor
*Eric
*Kimberley
*Tok Pisin
*Juggling
*Joel
*Christian
*CISCO
*Robin’s not-work
*We never got our Darkzone from the 2007 competition
*August 5, Saturday (maybe 15th) 2007 at Box Hill
*The bad-mood-scarf
*Amy’s that night after Youth Group
*2am matches-run to the Shell
*The drive home
*The freezing cold cans of Coke
*Flick sneaking out
*Half an hour of pay
*Movies
*Never turning out the way I wanted


And you know what,
That is enough.
I think..
I've got all I need.
Keep it safe.

It's
my
life.

x

Stud

One last thing for tonight
A random memory

I was walking home
From the local shops
After running an errand for Mum
Buying a bottle of milk
Or something

Walking down the street
Some guy
Sitting with his mate outside the bakery
He looks at me
As I walk past
He says
"Hey! I've got a secret for you.."
Being a child
Of maybe 8, 9, 10-ish
I didn't think to ignore him
I walked a step or two towards him
And he says
"You have got the best red lips..
..that girls love to kiss..
..you're a stud mate, you're a stud!"
I walked off
A little scared
Not knowing what a stud was

Thinking back
I'm not sure why he said that to me
Him being a middle-aged-ish man
Me being a kid
But whatever

I think
He
Was
Wrong.

x